Tumbling Hunks of Metal Does Not A Great Movie Make

"Oh, my God--it was the best movie!! You have to see it!!"

Now, I've heard this many a time in my life. Usually, it's just from those poor few folks who, tho' nice they may be, have apparently no interests, so they aren't really exposed to too much and fly off the handle at the first glimmer of something interesting. These rants can be dismissed right off, and just nodded at while smiling like you're just some marketing stooge at a trade show or the modern teacher, who is forced to treat every opinion as "interesting" regardless of its merit.

No; this is one of those times when evryone across the board is blathering at me about the idol-of-the-month. Everyone told me this would be the best thing ever, save one friend out here, who just gave a half-hearted "it was good."

While it sounds like that's a good sign...it ain't necessarily so, bitches.

Let me just go ahead and ruin all of my internet "street cred":

Transformers sucks.

Yes, I'm referring to this current movie. I'm also referring to the old movie, and the show, and even the toys--tho' I did own them when I was just a wee little lad and becoming the greatest crab ever was just a sparkle in my fuckin retarded little kid eye.

Anyway, yes. That movie sucked. At first, they were all like running around, a buncha different groups of guys, going "what the fuck is up?" That was cool--cut-off little army squad and hackers and all sorts of cool shit sitting around, all using their ridiculous technobabble jargon like "set up a kill box!" and "we'll use fuckin' plasma 100 66 ballistic rounds," or whatever.

That was fine.

Then, suddenly, we return to that boring Dawson's Creek reject crew and down comes Optimus Prime. It was like: here's a normal movie--BAM! Jazz is breakdancing, robots are hiding from Ma and Pa Kettle, urinating dogs.... And it didn't help that, all the while, the lamest dialogue on earth about things with embarrassingly-bad names keeps assaulting my poor ears.

You know what else? The action sucked, too.

I can hear you all hissing now, with your flame-writing fingers all poised and ready to strike. The truth is, the action in this movie was as lame and boring as the action in Batman Begins.

There we go--flame away!

Here's a tip to the Hollywood machine: your action SUCKS. Getting in really close with a camera and making stuff fly around while there are sound effects of supposed action offscreen is not a good fight scene. It's like the directers and writers all get confused whenever it comes to the fight choreography. It's like they suddenly say, "yeah, OK, so...like, Megatron's all, 'let's go, Prime!' and he's all, 'yeah,' and then...I dunno, something happens, and then, like, Megatron's all, like, 'I won!'"

Then, people suddenly realise that fight choreography actually is hard. You want to see for yourself? Watch 武館　(Mou Kun / Martial Club), which you've probably never heard of, by Lau Ga Leung's crew for Shaw Brothers in the early 80s. That film rocks my socks. It may just look like anyone could do that at the greatest of ease and just start punching at each other and going, "huh, I guess this is Kung Fu!" But, it's not. That choreography is pretty intense and filmed very well--unlike Transformers's fights, which mainly just involved junk flying around and flipping from far away in the background into the foreground over and over.

"But it was so cool! Stuff...turned into...stuff!"

Fuck that. Hey, watch this!--I can turn my desk into a footrest! Look at this! I'm transforming some of the ketchup that dripped off my burger into a dipping sauce for my fries! Fucking, wow! I'm gonna go turn my floor into a bed and my jacket into a pillow.