"Hi. I'm the Sumo Association. I'm a Fucking Idiot."

Sports are fucking ridiculous.

Why isn't it just "this team beat that team" or "this guy did some great thing against this other guy?" Instead, it's like "OMG! That guy's using steroids and that guy's getting fined for talking about officials!!"

Stupid fucking celebrity gossip bullshit permeates just everything in these "World's Marketplace" countries. Everything's a marketing gimmick--fucking sensationalised nonsense about people we don't know, and, like Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, haven't even done anything worth wasting 20 seconds of your life one. But, we're supposed to be just frothing at the mouth in personal agony over these ridiculously minor people's pathetic scandals, because marketing moguls have to practice spinning everything around to get our fucking attention all the damned tim. That's what it's like in the U.S., anyway.

Or Japan. Japan's absurdly obsessed with buying stuff, too--and that means that they're also obsessed with other bandwagons such as stupid phrases uttered by some minor celeb, or which insanely stupid, young floozy is the idol-of-the-minute.

Their sports are the same way, too.

Well, kinda. For those who don't know, I'm a sumo fan. It's not just an interesting sport (although inherently flawed because all the action happens in a split second and is just a "win-lose" system), but it's also basically a celebration of shugendou-based religious, cultural ceremony.

Unfortunately, that also means it's something essential to the "Japanese spirit" or whatever, and, even more unfortunate than that, it seems like the only way for the Sumo Association to drum up interest in its sport is to pull at those heartstrings.

There's a special rank in this sport called yokozuna, which literally means 'wearing the rope.' In Shinto rites, ornamented, ceremonial ropes are used as boundaries and sacrelatizing agents. Thus, to one of the highest-ranked sumo wrestlers, called oozeki, this ornament was given so that they might take parts in sacred rites such as shrine blessings.

It's really interesting stuff (to me, at least), and I could just talk about it for hours and hours, but the point is that recently there have been a bunch of foreigners attaining this special honor, and that's made John Q. Public--um, Yousuke Q. Public?--kinda unhappy.

Recently, one of these guys, a Mongolian whose ring name is Asashouryuu, has stepped on the tiger's tail, attracting the Sumo Association's ire and virulent hatred. Of course, that's because their attendance has been disappointing them for years and years now, and they need to shamelessly flail around like spoiled babes to get the public's attention.

What did he do this time, the villain? He was hurt (you do get hurt in sports, you know), and use that as an excuse to sit out some of the official, public practices and exhibitions and what-nots. Meanwhile, whist recuperating in his homeland, he made a public appearance to support some school over there, frolicking with said schoolchildren.

Wow! What an asshole, right?? (or, just, like a normal celbrity, who makes his money from appearances??)

So, the Sumo Association decided that he was malingering, basically, and gives him a drastic salary cut. They also force him to sit out the rest of the years' tournaments. Oh, did I forget to mention that he wins almost ever tournament these days?

All this, while their beautiful, beloved "Great Japanese Hope," Takanohana, sat out for 2 years' worth of tournaments without one bad word from these jerks. I guess it's OK if you're a whiny, wishy-washy star the people are supposed to love. If you're supposed to be the villain? Forget it.

You know what I'd do if I was Asashouryuu? I'd be their villain, all right. I'd come back, trained twice as hard, and I wouldn't just beat their gallery of Japanese losers, I'd beat them. I'd go into training sessions and break their friggin' arms and fling them around like trash, hoping to twist their ankles and blow their damned knees right out. Fuck 'em. I'd brutalise that business.

It's not like they don't already fear him, nor are they seemingly unable to even pose a threat to him. Fuck them. I hope their stupid attendance plummets and they have to stop sensationalising this thing which isn't just supposed to be a sport or art form, but supposed to be profound and religious and natural.