Crab vs. Onion

Welcome to the knuckledraggin' hour bitches

Seriously, what's with the dumb act? It's like, "Man, I don't know about that shit, dawg!" And I'm supposed to go "Wow, how cool you must be!"

Look. We know.

We know that you geek out to shit, dudes (and dudettes, too). You can sit back there and be all like, "Well, gee, Mr. Crab, I certainly wouldn't know anything about videogames or whatever--I'm an adult now."

Gimme a fuckin' break. There's SOMETHING your ass will hear and you'll be all like "OMG really?--they remade that into a new movie?? Holy shit I'm a go see that right nawwwwww" (runs home and stares at "old school" toys).

Dude, but you're all like, "Hey, wait--it's 'cool' now to be like a totally bland, uneducated philistine these days!" Seriously, when I say something about some other language I speak, how come everyone's all "well, la-dee-dah, look at me!--I'm the Greatest Crab and I'm a fucking jackass traitor who hates this country because I flaunt my intelligence!" Dude, I don't flaunt anything, but the fact that you're all defensive and venemous about it really makes me think you've got some deep-seated mental problems, that's all.

Women, you guys totally are the culprit here. I remember my whole life I would start to notice one of you and think "Wow, a girl who has a lot of interests and is well-read and with whom I can have a pretty cool conversation...huh, that's pretty neat."

Then you'd get around some guy you like.

Oh well, instant let-down. It's like, "Ah, I've been disappointed again--what a shocker." Suddenly, there's like zero IQ in the entire room. Just like "I dunno; I never read anything!! I'm so stupid, ha ha haaaah!"

Well, tho', I guess there's always the other side.

Hey, look...I'm not gonna pretend like I don't go and get all kinds of pretention on. I'll turn on the big word thesaurus and rock you like a friggin nerdicane, but I also gotta admit that there's some fucking annoying dumbasses out there who feel like they gotta be the smartest in the room or like everyone will start laughing at them.

Like, whenever I talk about something and start ranting and a-raving, some of you knuckleheads are always like, "Well, let me just point out that you mentioned a chicken-eating spider earlier, and I'd just like to point out that it's technically a pamphobeteus, and you simply referred to it as a spider. I mean, I guess you could do that and all, but it's just not proper and you should really watch that as you can create a lot of confusion." or "Well, you Romanized the Japanese word 'karaage' with an 'r.' I would have used a 'd' because it's a flap technically and I wouldn't want to confuse anyone."

It's like, "oh damn, he showed ME up!! Damn, I bet people are laughing at me like crazy at that message board. Oh wait...wait...awww, I guess nobody cared, AWWWW." Mr. Smarmy Comment. That guy's always standing around when you're just goofing off and joking around with someone, waiting to "tsk" and roll his eyes.

Look, bitch, I've probably read like 3 times as much as you have. Sure, you're an English major, but you only read the shit they assign to you in your class. Then, the rest of your time, you just hang around and "tsk" your ass so much everyone just assumes you're a homosexual--whether you are or not!! (Just like in the Seinfeld episode: "Not that there's anything wrong with that.")

So, here I am, joining the fray, generating my own pretentious nonsense with this stupid blog. I'm a self-righteous little blogster, as much as I never intended to join your ranks, getting up on your rooftops and crowing at the sun for nobody to hear but your own dumb ears. But, what kind of person doesn't find their own convictions, or things to believe in, and decide to go and spout them out at the world? Thes brains we have rage forward on their neverending quests to drive us crazy and make us all argue and have our values and ideas just clunk against each other clumsily.

And I've seen myself at both moments, the too-humble, self-deprecating, annoying let-down to those who believed in him or wanted to see great things happen with his brilliant mind, and the self-important, overconfident windbag, perched annoyingly at the edges to snatch up the fallen and use them for personal gain. I want to go back to those moments and crush those smug, chuckling, sneering faces I wore.

Stop yer knuckledraggin', you young'uns. Knowledge is important. It really is our way to gain power over this world...just these insane brains trying so hard to comprehend, name, and categorize everything--even if it can't be known or understood on any level. But they do that because it's what makes us able to survive when others fail. It's a very valuable thing--the most valuable thing we take for ourselves, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with anyone seeing that brilliant side of you.

Well, unless you're Columbo, and you're luring the murderer into a false sense of security (Columbo Pro Tip: Look for the famous guest star--that's the murderer).

As for the sneering, snorting, eye-rolling, foppish, pretentious maccheroni, you guys who think you're "all that" because some professor was impressed with one of your essays where you just spouted back his boring interpretations? Nobody is impressed by your ass. When you go home and look yourself in the mirror and it's all quiet and there's no-one around and that little voice says that you're lonely and nobody really cares, nobody really cares. And it's not that it's lonely at the top, homeslice, it's that you didn't learn what you needed to learn in school. It's not about impressing people with your pathetic grasp of some vague theories floating around (that aren't even yours to begin with), it's about finding your own message to spout out, whether it was in blogs, in comic books, in song--even just in leadership of those beneath you in a company, or whatever.

Genius isn't in knowing about geniuses; it's in finding something to say and saying it.